Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Unbelievable

There are times in your life where you need people to just have your back. Over the past few weeks, I've been nursing some old hurts and been carrying the weight of some really heavy things going on in the lives of people I love. The combination is tiring and honestly, I don't wear it so well. It tends to manifest itself in insomnia and dark circles, bad skin and sore throats and that is putting it mildly. I feel like the pain often paints itself on my body before I even realize it. So, added to the cesspool of crumminess, I start to lose sight of who I am. I used to go to the Bible to find descriptions of who God tells us we are. Beloved. Precious. Called. Worthy. I don't know why but I've stopped going to that source these days. It's too hard to believe when you're looking in the mirror and wondering how soon you can crawl back into the bed you've left unmade behind you. Plus, I kinda feel like God has to love me, right?

I have some pretty amazing friends, I'm not going to lie. And when I need a pep talk or some encouragement in the form of sitting on a porch with a drink and the space to rant, I have some seriously good go-to people both near and far to jump into it with me. Everyone needs people in their corner to boost your spirits and your faith in yourself.  I find it hard to be in my own corner some days. Lately though, I have been wondering why is it so hard to believe the things about myself that my friends believe about me? Have you ever thought about this for more than a few moments? I mean, I trust my friends when they give a bad restaurant review or come up with a great recipe. I trust them when they tell me who is a great hairdresser or who is the mom to avoid at the rink because she's running an agenda. Why don't I trust them when they affirm who they know me to be? I'm not sure why that's where I draw the line. I'm not talking about those surface friends who you are on your best behaviour around...they see what you want them to see. I'm talking about the friend who has seen you do the snot cry with the dark circles under your eyes from lack of sleep. The friend who comes in when you're scraping the bottom of the Smarties ice cream container that you bought that morning and knows that it means trouble. The friend that has paid the long distance phone bill for a half hour of unintelligible sobbing and ranting. Those are the people to trust when it comes to who you really are.

This morning, I chatted online with a couple of my most trusted friends. These two have saved my butt more times than I can count, seen me at my grossest and worst, my shallowest and my most beaten down and still see the good in me. They are the face of Jesus in my life and I am not exaggerating. If they can love me when I use the foulest language and can not scrape together two kind or grateful words, I imagine He can too. The reason they can is because they love me. For whatever reason, I have people, mere mortals, who have figured out how to love me in spite of, or maybe because of, the crazy in my life. They see the good. They know the drive behind the anger or the disappointments or the frustrations...even when it's not logical or reasonable. They love me unconditionally...even when they have to live with me in all my flawed thinking. How lucky am I?

I reminded them today that when it becomes apparent that it's me that is behaving badly or that is the root of the issue, that I am relying on them to tell me. You know what? They will. In a heartbeat. Or as one of them reminded me, they will get in a vehicle, grab a bat and make the road trip to beat sense into me. Those are people who can be trusted. So, when they tell me to continue to follow this passion I have for Africa and the community that I love there, I believe them. When they tell me that I am gifted, I am choosing to believe them. I'm not being arrogant or cocky when I say that I am a good investment as a friend, as an employee, as a wife and a mother. I am believing people who are trustworthy and have read the fine print and seen the disparity between who I am in public and who I am in private and they still believe in me. Today, I'm choosing not only to believe in myself...which is never easy. I'm choosing to believe them.




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